An honour.

As my time in Thailand draws to an end (only 2 days left!), many thoughts and feelings have filled my mind and heart. Trying to express them however, is a little more difficult. I look back at the person I was 9 months ago, and I still recognize her. I think of my first day at school, and in some ways I still feel exactly the same. I think about how I first viewed Thailand, and much of that is the same too. Yet everything is different. I have been taught so much, grown, learned hard lessons, laughed, loved, cried, stressed and tried to serve.
A dear friend and I were talking the other day and the song 'legacy' by Nichole Nordeman came on. The lyrics say 'I want to leave a legacy, how will they remember me? Did I choose to love? Did I point to you enough?' She looked at me and asked, 'What kind of legacy d'you think we left Lucy?' And we continued to joke about how we were the crazy white ladies that our kids didn't understand and who pronounced everything wrong. But I continued to think about the question, and how important it really was if I had left a legacy. And the truth is, I probably haven't. The kids will remember me for a time, but soon there will be new kids who have absolutely no idea who I am. The work I did will be remembered for a time too, but things change and get old and need repaired or re-done. Soon enough there will be no evidence of my footprints whatsoever. And in reality, if I made a lasting impact at all - it is not mine to claim.
Throughout this whole year, nothing has been 'easy'. God has been teaching me so much on His faithfulness and my need to depend on Him for absolutely everything. He has been teaching me about my weakness and His strength, and the joy of His presence. And how every day we must work to bring Him glory. He has stretched me beyond what I thought I could handle, and has opened my eyes and heart to so much, and given me a glimpse of His heart for His people.
He provided me with everything I needed. He worked everything for my good. And even through all my faults, imperfections and struggles, He still used me. He blessed me with the children He gave me and opened my heart to them. He gave me more children than I thought I could handle, but gave me love for every single one of them. He gave me sweet friends and people to encourage me and walk alongside me.
I came here to serve, but in reality, I have been served and blessed so much more. And after all the joy, laughter, love, challenges, let-downs, and frustrations - I can safely say that this year has been incredible. And it does break my heart to leave. But I know it is time.
I'm going to steal song lyrics again. Chris Tomlin puts it well when he says:

At the end of the day, I wanna hear the people say

That my heart looks like Your heart, my heart looks like Your heart

Unashamed I will dance, in Your name, lift my hands

Till my heart looks like Your heart, my heart looks like Your heart.

My prayer is that the children I have come to love so dearly, will be shaped into Godly men and women, with hearts like Christ. And that God would continue the good work He began in both them, and me. 

To Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

I couldn't choose just one picture for this post - so here are a few recent favourites.

This is a small video of the place that I've been able to get my visa through and where I've just started volunteering. It's a really great place and I have fallen in love with the kids! Please pray!

I've been meaning to write for a long time now - and I even have various drafts saved. Titles and beginnings of thoughts and lessons, but I haven't been able to finish any of them. There is something about posting unfinished thoughts that doesn't seem quite right to me. I don't feel I can write about lessons I'm learning because I'm not finished learning them yet, I don't know the outcome and I don't have any inspirational words of encouragement because I'm still going through the same challenges and making the same mistakes every single day. I was sharing this other day, and some very wise people (a.k.a Mum & Dad), simply said 'life is the lesson'. To me, this is frustrating. I know life is the lesson, but within that comes small lessons and I really would just like to be done with them. Though lessons from our Father are never little or insignificant, I really would just like the answer and for it to be easy. Again, life doesn't quite work like that.
Then, He reminded me of all that He has been telling me. 'Come, I am enough'. He has promised me that when I come to Him I will find rest for my soul, and that He will take my heavy burden because His is light! When I feel overwhelmed and frustrated and stressed, instead of turning to friends, or a good movie, music, books or chocolate or whatever it is we turn to, that He is right there waiting for me to simply come to Him. When I don't want to face writing about leaving, because my feelings on the subject change every 5 minutes, He tells me to come. He tells me that He is enough, and that He is unchanging. That I can stand on His promises and His Word because the same God that led me to Thailand is the same one that is taking me home. When I have to trust new people with my precious children, He reminds me that they are His. When I want to pull my hair out because school isn't going the way it's 'supposed to', He reminds me that it's His. And He is enough. And when the lesson of life seems too challenging, and too hard, He reminds me that I am His, and He is enough. That in His presence is fullness of joy and He will always be enough wherever I find myself, in whatever situation. He is enough in my sadness, in my joy, in my frustration and stress, and in the times where life is just a little bit overwhelming.
Today is my 18th birthday, and it feels like life's lessons are just beginning. And in some ways, I have never felt more like a child. And some may even argue I still look like a child considering the lack of growth that has taken place over the past few years. I am so thankful for the past 18 years and for how incredibly blessed I have been. I have a mighty long way to go, but I pray that He will always be enough for me. That I would continue to seek Him and delight in His Word.

What would a birthday post be without a baby picture? And I really mustn't look that young as I received a birthday card this morning saying 'Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, You look like a grown up, and you act like one too!' Hmm...