Exactly where I need to be.

She is a beautiful, sweet, strong soul who is just in need of some love. She's gone through years of not being given the right amount of attention, and not being able to live the kind of childhood we all wish for kids. She's had to take care of her younger sister, and they no longer live with their parents. She's had a rough life, and although she's now in a much better situation and at our school, she still has a lot to deal with. One day, she wasn't feeling well and everything just got a little bit too much and she simply broke down. My room mate called for me to go and sit with her and try to get her to calm down. Now, I'm not trying to say that I'm any good at comforting people. Believe me - I'm the type to try and make a funny joke in the midst of someone crying or give an awkward hug, or laugh because I just don't know what else to do. I'm really not the greatest person to be with if you're upset. But here I was, trying to comfort this girl. But the only thing that was running through my head at that time was 'her head is really close to mine - I hope I don't get lice.' I would love to be able to say that the only thing I was concerned with was her and that everything flowing out of me was love, but it wasn't.
He has a special place in my heart - the amount of transitions he's had to go through at the age of 6 is more transition than I would want in a lifetime. He's been through abuse, death and neglect. He has a lot of issues and often cries at school. The day after he was moved into a children's home, he was sobbing his little heart out. I took him out of class and tried my best to do what I could. But again, I was not overflowing with love. I was grimacing at the fact that he was wiping his sweaty head all the way up and down my arms and rubbing his sweat soaked hair on my clothes. I was thinking 'I really wished he had brushed his teeth this morning' when he was wailing in my face. All he needed was a little bit of love and comfort.
I guess what I'm trying to show is that, I am nowhere near perfect. I love these children with all my heart, but it's a heart that is full of brokenness and sin. Even my best efforts are not good enough. I want to care for these kids but my human nature gets in the way. I don't want to have an itchy head because of lice, and I don't want to smell like someone else's sweat all day long. Some days I don't want to sit with kids in certain spots because I know that there are always mosquitoes there, and I don't want to get bitten. Some days I want to just hide out and switch off because I don't want to use that last inch of energy I have left. I would love to be full of joy all the time and have a serving heart - but I don't.
And sometimes, I am deceived into believing that this really isn't for me. That I wasn't really called, and I'm not really supposed to be here. On days where I look back and think 'I accomplished nothing today, my attitude was terrible and if anything, I only made things worse.' I am tricked into somehow believing that God made a mistake somewhere along the way, and really this role was made for someone else. But then He reminds me, that His plans are perfect and this was His will. And that He is still using me, even when I don't feel like it. So on the days where I don't feel like I have enough energy, and in the times where I don't feel like serving, to look to Him for all I need, and remember that I'm exactly where I need to be, and He's right here with me.