I've decided to start blogging again - however it's now well beyond 39 weeks. So if you're interested, http://lucyacowpland12.blogspot.co.uk/ will be where I'll be blogging from now on. :)
Stay tuned though...I haven't posted anything yet!
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
An honour.
As my time in Thailand draws to an end (only 2 days left!), many thoughts and feelings have filled my mind and heart. Trying to express them however, is a little more difficult. I look back at the person I was 9 months ago, and I still recognize her. I think of my first day at school, and in some ways I still feel exactly the same. I think about how I first viewed Thailand, and much of that is the same too. Yet everything is different. I have been taught so much, grown, learned hard lessons, laughed, loved, cried, stressed and tried to serve.
A dear friend and I were talking the other day and the song 'legacy' by Nichole Nordeman came on. The lyrics say 'I want to leave a legacy, how will they remember me? Did I choose to love? Did I point to you enough?' She looked at me and asked, 'What kind of legacy d'you think we left Lucy?' And we continued to joke about how we were the crazy white ladies that our kids didn't understand and who pronounced everything wrong. But I continued to think about the question, and how important it really was if I had left a legacy. And the truth is, I probably haven't. The kids will remember me for a time, but soon there will be new kids who have absolutely no idea who I am. The work I did will be remembered for a time too, but things change and get old and need repaired or re-done. Soon enough there will be no evidence of my footprints whatsoever. And in reality, if I made a lasting impact at all - it is not mine to claim.
Throughout this whole year, nothing has been 'easy'. God has been teaching me so much on His faithfulness and my need to depend on Him for absolutely everything. He has been teaching me about my weakness and His strength, and the joy of His presence. And how every day we must work to bring Him glory. He has stretched me beyond what I thought I could handle, and has opened my eyes and heart to so much, and given me a glimpse of His heart for His people.
He provided me with everything I needed. He worked everything for my good. And even through all my faults, imperfections and struggles, He still used me. He blessed me with the children He gave me and opened my heart to them. He gave me more children than I thought I could handle, but gave me love for every single one of them. He gave me sweet friends and people to encourage me and walk alongside me.
I came here to serve, but in reality, I have been served and blessed so much more. And after all the joy, laughter, love, challenges, let-downs, and frustrations - I can safely say that this year has been incredible. And it does break my heart to leave. But I know it is time.
I'm going to steal song lyrics again. Chris Tomlin puts it well when he says:
A dear friend and I were talking the other day and the song 'legacy' by Nichole Nordeman came on. The lyrics say 'I want to leave a legacy, how will they remember me? Did I choose to love? Did I point to you enough?' She looked at me and asked, 'What kind of legacy d'you think we left Lucy?' And we continued to joke about how we were the crazy white ladies that our kids didn't understand and who pronounced everything wrong. But I continued to think about the question, and how important it really was if I had left a legacy. And the truth is, I probably haven't. The kids will remember me for a time, but soon there will be new kids who have absolutely no idea who I am. The work I did will be remembered for a time too, but things change and get old and need repaired or re-done. Soon enough there will be no evidence of my footprints whatsoever. And in reality, if I made a lasting impact at all - it is not mine to claim.
Throughout this whole year, nothing has been 'easy'. God has been teaching me so much on His faithfulness and my need to depend on Him for absolutely everything. He has been teaching me about my weakness and His strength, and the joy of His presence. And how every day we must work to bring Him glory. He has stretched me beyond what I thought I could handle, and has opened my eyes and heart to so much, and given me a glimpse of His heart for His people.
He provided me with everything I needed. He worked everything for my good. And even through all my faults, imperfections and struggles, He still used me. He blessed me with the children He gave me and opened my heart to them. He gave me more children than I thought I could handle, but gave me love for every single one of them. He gave me sweet friends and people to encourage me and walk alongside me.
I came here to serve, but in reality, I have been served and blessed so much more. And after all the joy, laughter, love, challenges, let-downs, and frustrations - I can safely say that this year has been incredible. And it does break my heart to leave. But I know it is time.
I'm going to steal song lyrics again. Chris Tomlin puts it well when he says:
At the end of the day, I wanna hear the people say
That my heart looks like Your heart, my heart looks like Your heart
Unashamed I will dance, in Your name, lift my hands
Till my heart looks like Your heart, my heart looks like Your heart.
My prayer is that the children I have come to love so dearly, will be shaped into Godly men and women, with hearts like Christ. And that God would continue the good work He began in both them, and me.
To Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
I couldn't choose just one picture for this post - so here are a few recent favourites.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
I've been meaning to write for a long time now - and I even have various drafts saved. Titles and beginnings of thoughts and lessons, but I haven't been able to finish any of them. There is something about posting unfinished thoughts that doesn't seem quite right to me. I don't feel I can write about lessons I'm learning because I'm not finished learning them yet, I don't know the outcome and I don't have any inspirational words of encouragement because I'm still going through the same challenges and making the same mistakes every single day. I was sharing this other day, and some very wise people (a.k.a Mum & Dad), simply said 'life is the lesson'. To me, this is frustrating. I know life is the lesson, but within that comes small lessons and I really would just like to be done with them. Though lessons from our Father are never little or insignificant, I really would just like the answer and for it to be easy. Again, life doesn't quite work like that.
Then, He reminded me of all that He has been telling me. 'Come, I am enough'. He has promised me that when I come to Him I will find rest for my soul, and that He will take my heavy burden because His is light! When I feel overwhelmed and frustrated and stressed, instead of turning to friends, or a good movie, music, books or chocolate or whatever it is we turn to, that He is right there waiting for me to simply come to Him. When I don't want to face writing about leaving, because my feelings on the subject change every 5 minutes, He tells me to come. He tells me that He is enough, and that He is unchanging. That I can stand on His promises and His Word because the same God that led me to Thailand is the same one that is taking me home. When I have to trust new people with my precious children, He reminds me that they are His. When I want to pull my hair out because school isn't going the way it's 'supposed to', He reminds me that it's His. And He is enough. And when the lesson of life seems too challenging, and too hard, He reminds me that I am His, and He is enough. That in His presence is fullness of joy and He will always be enough wherever I find myself, in whatever situation. He is enough in my sadness, in my joy, in my frustration and stress, and in the times where life is just a little bit overwhelming.
Today is my 18th birthday, and it feels like life's lessons are just beginning. And in some ways, I have never felt more like a child. And some may even argue I still look like a child considering the lack of growth that has taken place over the past few years. I am so thankful for the past 18 years and for how incredibly blessed I have been. I have a mighty long way to go, but I pray that He will always be enough for me. That I would continue to seek Him and delight in His Word.
Then, He reminded me of all that He has been telling me. 'Come, I am enough'. He has promised me that when I come to Him I will find rest for my soul, and that He will take my heavy burden because His is light! When I feel overwhelmed and frustrated and stressed, instead of turning to friends, or a good movie, music, books or chocolate or whatever it is we turn to, that He is right there waiting for me to simply come to Him. When I don't want to face writing about leaving, because my feelings on the subject change every 5 minutes, He tells me to come. He tells me that He is enough, and that He is unchanging. That I can stand on His promises and His Word because the same God that led me to Thailand is the same one that is taking me home. When I have to trust new people with my precious children, He reminds me that they are His. When I want to pull my hair out because school isn't going the way it's 'supposed to', He reminds me that it's His. And He is enough. And when the lesson of life seems too challenging, and too hard, He reminds me that I am His, and He is enough. That in His presence is fullness of joy and He will always be enough wherever I find myself, in whatever situation. He is enough in my sadness, in my joy, in my frustration and stress, and in the times where life is just a little bit overwhelming.
Today is my 18th birthday, and it feels like life's lessons are just beginning. And in some ways, I have never felt more like a child. And some may even argue I still look like a child considering the lack of growth that has taken place over the past few years. I am so thankful for the past 18 years and for how incredibly blessed I have been. I have a mighty long way to go, but I pray that He will always be enough for me. That I would continue to seek Him and delight in His Word.
What would a birthday post be without a baby picture? And I really mustn't look that young as I received a birthday card this morning saying 'Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, You look like a grown up, and you act like one too!' Hmm...
Monday, April 16, 2012
Girls vs Spider
It's been a while since I've written anything, and what I'm about to write has no real depth to it or insight - but it's something that made me laugh and hopefully will bring a smile to your face too!
My friend, Emily, and I were in the car on our way to one of our favourite places to get a fruit shake because it was HOT. Really, really hot. We had just driven through the guard point at the beginning of the neighbourhood when all I hear is 'Aaaah Aaaaah, Oh oh oh, Aaaaaaaah' and the car starts to swerve towards the pavement and Emily is freaking out. I could see smoke in the sky and so I thought we were driving into a fire but the car was going straight for the pavement and so then I thought that she had lost control of the car somehow and was unable to steer it back into the middle of the road - I had no idea what was going on and she was just screaming, and then bang. We crash into the pavement. (I say crash - we didn't really crash the car but we hit it with some bump). Emily jumps out the car, and still completely unaware of what's going on, I jump out with her.
'There's a spider.' My initial thoughts were - 'Really? We crashed the car for a spider?' However, having seen the actual spider itself, I do understand. It really was huge, and creepy looking. It was cream, and black, and brown, and gross. This spider really was huge. And after some shudders and giggles, and Emily refusing to go anywhere near the car until the spider had been taken out of the car, I went to go and investigate. This spider was absolutely nowhere to be found. So after 15 minutes or so of standing by the side of the road in the scorching sun trying to find this spider, I concluded that he must have jumped out when we did. Emily wasn't so sure though and wasn't ready to drive the car again. I really wanted that fruit shake though and so after a little bit of persuasion, Emily got in the passenger seat and I got in the drivers seat. Now let me just say that not once since I've been in Thailand have I been allowed to, or really wanted to, drive our car. I love our car, I really do, but driving in Thailand I don't love. I turn the key in the ignition and Emily asks 'How good of a driver are you Lucy?' My answer being 'I failed the test and haven't driven in over 7 months. You're gonna have to help me.' Thankfully, I really didn't have to drive very far at all and I didn't come into contact with any other cars, and I parked it! Squint. But I still parked it! By this point I am almost positively certain that the spider is gone, and I can enjoy my fruit shake in peace. Which I did. We even had something to eat with it and sat and read our books in the air conditioning and it was quite lovely. We did keep making jokes whenever any men or teenage boys would walk by though and said that we should ask them to just make a quick scan of our car to make sure the spider wasn't there anymore, but we didn't actually ask any of them to do that. We're not that ridiculous...
After finishing our drinks and food and calming down a bit, we braved out to the car and Emily said she was alright to drive again. As soon as we got in the car though she told me that the whole time driving home I had to look at her feet. I had to make sure that the spider wasn't there and that it wasn't going to touch her feet because if it did, she'd go crazy. And so I did, I kept my eyes on her feet - but the spider must have known our tactics. 'I see it, I see it, it's still there!' and we pull over, and don't hit the pavement this time. Emily had seen it out of the corner of her eye and sure enough when we jumped out of the car, the spider had crawled into the back seat of the car. Neither of us wanted to touch it - I really cannot emphasize how creepy looking this spider was. It was horrible. We hadn't driven far from the restaurant and so Emily decided to run back and grab someone we had recognized from church, while I stayed put and watched that this spider didn't go anywhere. I felt ridiculous. Three of our car doors were standing wide open, we're pulled over to the side of the road and I'm standing there looking at the back floor of my car to make sure that the spider doesn't go out of my site while Emily runs to go and get a teenage boy to help us remove this spider. It felt like forever until they returned, it really was probably only 5 minutes but it still felt like a long time. The spider hadn't moved and the boy tried to swat it away with his flip flop, but the spider disappeared. After looking all over the car, and not seeing the spider, he concluded that the spider must have jumped out when the flip flop came towards him. As much as we'd like to have believed him, it just didn't seem probable. This spider was too cunning. We didn't want to make a fuss though so we nodded and let him walk back to get his coke. Once he was out of site, we opened up the car doors again and began looking some more for the spider. After a couple minutes, a Thai lady came out from the house we'd stopped in front of and starting asking what was going on, Emily explained that there was a spider in the car and that we were afraid of it. Then the lady shouted back to the house and out came 5 or 6 kids and they started looking in our car for this spider while we stood by and watched. It was the strangest thing. The woman shouted for them to go and get a broom and then they started trying to sweep the spider out. Other kids from the house came out to and started to watch and it was just so funny. I felt a little bit ridiculous but after about 10 minutes they struck gold and found the spider and got it out of car. So thankful for them and their help, we were able to drive safely home without any worries of creepy spiders crawling all over us.
P.S Just so you don't think I'm a complete wimp - I did cup a cockroach last night and didn't even make a slight squeal. Woopa!
My friend, Emily, and I were in the car on our way to one of our favourite places to get a fruit shake because it was HOT. Really, really hot. We had just driven through the guard point at the beginning of the neighbourhood when all I hear is 'Aaaah Aaaaah, Oh oh oh, Aaaaaaaah' and the car starts to swerve towards the pavement and Emily is freaking out. I could see smoke in the sky and so I thought we were driving into a fire but the car was going straight for the pavement and so then I thought that she had lost control of the car somehow and was unable to steer it back into the middle of the road - I had no idea what was going on and she was just screaming, and then bang. We crash into the pavement. (I say crash - we didn't really crash the car but we hit it with some bump). Emily jumps out the car, and still completely unaware of what's going on, I jump out with her.
'There's a spider.' My initial thoughts were - 'Really? We crashed the car for a spider?' However, having seen the actual spider itself, I do understand. It really was huge, and creepy looking. It was cream, and black, and brown, and gross. This spider really was huge. And after some shudders and giggles, and Emily refusing to go anywhere near the car until the spider had been taken out of the car, I went to go and investigate. This spider was absolutely nowhere to be found. So after 15 minutes or so of standing by the side of the road in the scorching sun trying to find this spider, I concluded that he must have jumped out when we did. Emily wasn't so sure though and wasn't ready to drive the car again. I really wanted that fruit shake though and so after a little bit of persuasion, Emily got in the passenger seat and I got in the drivers seat. Now let me just say that not once since I've been in Thailand have I been allowed to, or really wanted to, drive our car. I love our car, I really do, but driving in Thailand I don't love. I turn the key in the ignition and Emily asks 'How good of a driver are you Lucy?' My answer being 'I failed the test and haven't driven in over 7 months. You're gonna have to help me.' Thankfully, I really didn't have to drive very far at all and I didn't come into contact with any other cars, and I parked it! Squint. But I still parked it! By this point I am almost positively certain that the spider is gone, and I can enjoy my fruit shake in peace. Which I did. We even had something to eat with it and sat and read our books in the air conditioning and it was quite lovely. We did keep making jokes whenever any men or teenage boys would walk by though and said that we should ask them to just make a quick scan of our car to make sure the spider wasn't there anymore, but we didn't actually ask any of them to do that. We're not that ridiculous...
After finishing our drinks and food and calming down a bit, we braved out to the car and Emily said she was alright to drive again. As soon as we got in the car though she told me that the whole time driving home I had to look at her feet. I had to make sure that the spider wasn't there and that it wasn't going to touch her feet because if it did, she'd go crazy. And so I did, I kept my eyes on her feet - but the spider must have known our tactics. 'I see it, I see it, it's still there!' and we pull over, and don't hit the pavement this time. Emily had seen it out of the corner of her eye and sure enough when we jumped out of the car, the spider had crawled into the back seat of the car. Neither of us wanted to touch it - I really cannot emphasize how creepy looking this spider was. It was horrible. We hadn't driven far from the restaurant and so Emily decided to run back and grab someone we had recognized from church, while I stayed put and watched that this spider didn't go anywhere. I felt ridiculous. Three of our car doors were standing wide open, we're pulled over to the side of the road and I'm standing there looking at the back floor of my car to make sure that the spider doesn't go out of my site while Emily runs to go and get a teenage boy to help us remove this spider. It felt like forever until they returned, it really was probably only 5 minutes but it still felt like a long time. The spider hadn't moved and the boy tried to swat it away with his flip flop, but the spider disappeared. After looking all over the car, and not seeing the spider, he concluded that the spider must have jumped out when the flip flop came towards him. As much as we'd like to have believed him, it just didn't seem probable. This spider was too cunning. We didn't want to make a fuss though so we nodded and let him walk back to get his coke. Once he was out of site, we opened up the car doors again and began looking some more for the spider. After a couple minutes, a Thai lady came out from the house we'd stopped in front of and starting asking what was going on, Emily explained that there was a spider in the car and that we were afraid of it. Then the lady shouted back to the house and out came 5 or 6 kids and they started looking in our car for this spider while we stood by and watched. It was the strangest thing. The woman shouted for them to go and get a broom and then they started trying to sweep the spider out. Other kids from the house came out to and started to watch and it was just so funny. I felt a little bit ridiculous but after about 10 minutes they struck gold and found the spider and got it out of car. So thankful for them and their help, we were able to drive safely home without any worries of creepy spiders crawling all over us.
P.S Just so you don't think I'm a complete wimp - I did cup a cockroach last night and didn't even make a slight squeal. Woopa!
Using the picture of Emily, the elephant and I because it resembles how big the spider was in comparison to us....
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Exactly where I need to be.
She is a beautiful, sweet, strong soul who is just in need of some love. She's gone through years of not being given the right amount of attention, and not being able to live the kind of childhood we all wish for kids. She's had to take care of her younger sister, and they no longer live with their parents. She's had a rough life, and although she's now in a much better situation and at our school, she still has a lot to deal with. One day, she wasn't feeling well and everything just got a little bit too much and she simply broke down. My room mate called for me to go and sit with her and try to get her to calm down. Now, I'm not trying to say that I'm any good at comforting people. Believe me - I'm the type to try and make a funny joke in the midst of someone crying or give an awkward hug, or laugh because I just don't know what else to do. I'm really not the greatest person to be with if you're upset. But here I was, trying to comfort this girl. But the only thing that was running through my head at that time was 'her head is really close to mine - I hope I don't get lice.' I would love to be able to say that the only thing I was concerned with was her and that everything flowing out of me was love, but it wasn't.
He has a special place in my heart - the amount of transitions he's had to go through at the age of 6 is more transition than I would want in a lifetime. He's been through abuse, death and neglect. He has a lot of issues and often cries at school. The day after he was moved into a children's home, he was sobbing his little heart out. I took him out of class and tried my best to do what I could. But again, I was not overflowing with love. I was grimacing at the fact that he was wiping his sweaty head all the way up and down my arms and rubbing his sweat soaked hair on my clothes. I was thinking 'I really wished he had brushed his teeth this morning' when he was wailing in my face. All he needed was a little bit of love and comfort.
I guess what I'm trying to show is that, I am nowhere near perfect. I love these children with all my heart, but it's a heart that is full of brokenness and sin. Even my best efforts are not good enough. I want to care for these kids but my human nature gets in the way. I don't want to have an itchy head because of lice, and I don't want to smell like someone else's sweat all day long. Some days I don't want to sit with kids in certain spots because I know that there are always mosquitoes there, and I don't want to get bitten. Some days I want to just hide out and switch off because I don't want to use that last inch of energy I have left. I would love to be full of joy all the time and have a serving heart - but I don't.
And sometimes, I am deceived into believing that this really isn't for me. That I wasn't really called, and I'm not really supposed to be here. On days where I look back and think 'I accomplished nothing today, my attitude was terrible and if anything, I only made things worse.' I am tricked into somehow believing that God made a mistake somewhere along the way, and really this role was made for someone else. But then He reminds me, that His plans are perfect and this was His will. And that He is still using me, even when I don't feel like it. So on the days where I don't feel like I have enough energy, and in the times where I don't feel like serving, to look to Him for all I need, and remember that I'm exactly where I need to be, and He's right here with me.
He has a special place in my heart - the amount of transitions he's had to go through at the age of 6 is more transition than I would want in a lifetime. He's been through abuse, death and neglect. He has a lot of issues and often cries at school. The day after he was moved into a children's home, he was sobbing his little heart out. I took him out of class and tried my best to do what I could. But again, I was not overflowing with love. I was grimacing at the fact that he was wiping his sweaty head all the way up and down my arms and rubbing his sweat soaked hair on my clothes. I was thinking 'I really wished he had brushed his teeth this morning' when he was wailing in my face. All he needed was a little bit of love and comfort.
I guess what I'm trying to show is that, I am nowhere near perfect. I love these children with all my heart, but it's a heart that is full of brokenness and sin. Even my best efforts are not good enough. I want to care for these kids but my human nature gets in the way. I don't want to have an itchy head because of lice, and I don't want to smell like someone else's sweat all day long. Some days I don't want to sit with kids in certain spots because I know that there are always mosquitoes there, and I don't want to get bitten. Some days I want to just hide out and switch off because I don't want to use that last inch of energy I have left. I would love to be full of joy all the time and have a serving heart - but I don't.
And sometimes, I am deceived into believing that this really isn't for me. That I wasn't really called, and I'm not really supposed to be here. On days where I look back and think 'I accomplished nothing today, my attitude was terrible and if anything, I only made things worse.' I am tricked into somehow believing that God made a mistake somewhere along the way, and really this role was made for someone else. But then He reminds me, that His plans are perfect and this was His will. And that He is still using me, even when I don't feel like it. So on the days where I don't feel like I have enough energy, and in the times where I don't feel like serving, to look to Him for all I need, and remember that I'm exactly where I need to be, and He's right here with me.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Dear Dad.
Thank you.
Thank you for awaiting my arrival with excitement and for wanting me.
Thank you for caring - for every nappy changed and every book read. (Especially the countless readings of apple tree farm.)
Thank you for playing with me, listening to me and laughing with me.
Thank you for helping me with my homework and never pressuring me to do more than I could, but believing in me.
Thank you for taking me running - even though I complained profusely.
Thank you for teaching me about God since the moment I was born, and for not only teaching me but showing me what a Christian life looks like.
Thank you for the way you love mum - and for showing me what a good husband looks like so I might choose a good man for myself one day.
Thank you for disciplining me in a firm but gracious way.
Thank you for never beating me. For never allowing anger to take over. For never abandoning me.
Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being a father.
The longer I live here, the more my heart breaks for the lack of good men my kids have in their lives. Please pray for them.
Thank you for awaiting my arrival with excitement and for wanting me.
Thank you for caring - for every nappy changed and every book read. (Especially the countless readings of apple tree farm.)
Thank you for playing with me, listening to me and laughing with me.
Thank you for helping me with my homework and never pressuring me to do more than I could, but believing in me.
Thank you for taking me running - even though I complained profusely.
Thank you for teaching me about God since the moment I was born, and for not only teaching me but showing me what a Christian life looks like.
Thank you for the way you love mum - and for showing me what a good husband looks like so I might choose a good man for myself one day.
Thank you for disciplining me in a firm but gracious way.
Thank you for never beating me. For never allowing anger to take over. For never abandoning me.
Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being a father.
The longer I live here, the more my heart breaks for the lack of good men my kids have in their lives. Please pray for them.
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